Home Improvement Contractor - Licensed Contractors

marriage advice?

I've been with my husband for almost 9 years now. We've been married for 2. In the past couple of years, things have become very routine, to the point of stagnation. My husband is a wonderful provider, and always has been. He puts so much of his time and energy in to it, that I think he forgets how to live for himself. We have grown apart lately, and it has been stressful at home. We have become two totally different people, and we are the point of discussing seperation. If it matters, we do have a 7 year old son. We got together when we were 20, and just started doing the family thing immediately. I did the stay at home mom thing for about 5 years, finally went to school, to become a hairstylist. I assisted for over a year, and made a steady paycheck. Now that I'm an independent contractor, I have to build up my clientele. Economy is sh*t right now, so I'm barely able to contribute financially. 99% of the financial responsibility lands on him. He's exhausted. I'm working hard on contributing, to ease his work load. He often works overtime to make ends meet. Last night, while driving on the freeway, I ran over a traffic cone. It was a completely unavoidable accident. However, it is going to cost at least $500 to repair the damages. Guess who gets to pay. My man. He now says he's going to have to cancel his planned snowboarding trip to work OT to cover this expense. I feel so bad. If we were divided before, it feels like we are complete strangers now. I just wish I could make it up to him somehow. How can I soothe the beast? He's furious. Sometimes I feel like I'm his little black cloud. just started working independently, which is different than commission based.

Public Comments

go to therapy. i promise you it will help you.
Can you afford marriage counseling? If so, what are you waiting for?
Marriages are all about adapting to change. How often do you hear people complaining about thier spouse not being the person that they feel in love with? If you and you husband have grown apart it's because you have tried to adapt to one anothers personall changes. Find ways to include him in your life and find ways to include yourself in his. Also, counseling may give a fresh perspective on how to do this.
ok so maybe u need too find some hot rich guy that comes in for some trim. plus u can get a nice steady income off child support
I think you need to get away and take a vacation...a mini break....together. and sit it out and talk about what you think your problems are. He works hard to provide for his family and you should be grateful, however, if you are independant, you should have a side job. you cant help financially if you are not making any $$...that may be part of the job.....
you just described 75 percent of the people out there.. this is life, stop looking so much.life isnt one big hay ride..
You messed up..there is nothing that you can do. He has to realize that it was an accident and that you didnt do it on purpose. He doesn't have a right to make you feel worthless just because you dont make as much money as he does. Have you thought about marriage counseling? I feel too many couples these days throw in the towel the minute things start to feel strained or that you feel you are leading separate lives. As far as the financial worries, is there any shortcuts you can take to make your monthly bills smaller?
You need to talk to him about and once every week or two ya'll should plan some alone time just you and him. Maybe go out have fun or stay home and do something different. But you have to do something new and exciting or something both of you like to do at lease twice a month to help you break away from the chores of life and to enjoy each other
ive been married for awhile and know all about the growning apart thing. we have children as well, and have seperated in the past...... i dont know if this will work for you and your husband but our whole family not only started going to church faithfully but handed our lives over to the Lord we are doing wonderfully now. still hit bumps in the road but we are growing closer not further apart. good luck!!
Sounds like you've already got the answer set in your mind for a divorce. I only ask you to really consider what marriage means to you and how it will affect your son. Have you thought of going to see a marriage counselor...or tried having date nights?? If you haven't put in 100% into trying to fix your marriage, then I say stay a little longer and try. Until you have tried everything that you can possibly think of, I'd keep your family together. If after all is done, and it still isn't working then I would leave and start a life without him.
I think you also need some therapy as you are feeling down but try couples therapy and talking and stuff, he seems ok its just go stale, try try try xxxx
I truly believe in complete open honest communication. In a marriage, it is all about communicating. You two just need to talk about everything that is bothering you without arguing and talk about what both of you can do to fix it.
Try to think of things that you can do together that don't cost much, ways of bonding and relieveing stress. He needs to take a vacation, maybe that car bill can be put on a payment plan to where you can pay over time. His mental and physical health are more important at this point.
YOU should beg or borrow the money to pay for what you did. THis man sounds like he NEEDS this trip too much. You really need to step up your game woman!!!
You need to find 'cost effective' ways to create new memories. You two are stuck in a pattern and it needs to be broken. Spicing up the sex life is always good - I can't get into details on yahoo but you can email me for ideas. Some friends of mine went through the same sort of thing a few years ago. They decided once a year they would have an 'anything goes' day. They would spend the day doing whatever they wanted. Their last 'anything goes' day they rented a Harley and travelled up the coast for a day. Good luck
Sounds like you two are stressed out and finances are a major contributor. If you can't afford counseling you can look for sliding scale or free services. I know that you are trying to build up your clientele and in this economy it is hard. Is there anyway you could find something else to do on the side? What did you two enjoy doing when you first met? bike rides? walks on the beach? do that again. Take it from me when finances are tight and stretched and one person feels like all they do is give and give/work and work something is bound to break. You need to let him know that you want to help as much as possible. Work out a budget plan together come up with a solution together.
it is hard but you both have to quit thinking you life together is just about money, maybe you should send your son to a friend or relative for the night and meet your husband at the door in nothing and just spend the evening alone with no distractions spice it up, they usually leave that up to us woman
i truly suggust therapy. and at least u are trying to help out in the financial situation. and running over that cone well sh*t happens and him having to cancel the trip. if he was going on extra activities he wouldnt have to worry about the damage.
Stagnant? Or maybe routine is a better word. This is real adult life, there are highs and lows, it isn't one big happy fun ride. Are you friends? Friends don't get bored with each other. If they do, they are not really friends. What do you mean, if it matters, you have a son? If it matters! The two of you created a life together and that will not ever cease to be true. He needs to be put above your boredom. If you can't contribute as a hairstylist, perhaps you need a different job. You are right, the economy is crap and people aren't dropping tons of cash for a new 'do. Think of an area that people actually need and go that direction. Wouldn't you be insanely POd if you were staring at a $500 bill, when you can barely pay the ones you've got? BUT--what the hell is he doing going on vacation if things are so tight? Sounds like a budget is the problem. Outgo vs. income. But yes, that kind of responsibilty will take the wind out. Reevaluate your expenditures and career.
Maybe to help financially while your building up your clientele you could take up a part time job at a local store just a couple hours a week.
Then do something different and get some money coming in on your end! You can't just say the economy is bad and leave it at that, do something to help releive the stress off him! Have friends and family come to your home and do their hair on the side! Talk to your neighbors too! Take a part time job in something else if you have to for awhile. This is one of many hard times to come and you two just need to start communicating again and get back on track! Don't let this pull you two apart! Get a sitter and plan a night alone with your man, get back to loving each other and then have a sit down and discuss your finances and come up with a plan. You don't need to separate, you need to pull together and you will get through this!!! Show your Son how two people can work together and find the love that is still there and fix whatever problem comes up!!! Fight for your marriage!!!
can u manage to have another side job to earn some thing extra. as you have spent 9 yrs together , i think at some times you have to do some thing more to make the marriage work. I left my engineering job when i get married. now i have realized how important finance is in marriage . but he should also understand that , that was an accident on the freeway.
You and your husband are not alone, lots of couples are facing the same financial stress that you both are currently dealing with. As for your contribution financially to the family, well instead of working as a private contractor, have you considered going back to work as a hairstylist at someone else's place.. This will give you a feeling of self worth that you are contributing financially to the family finances and also take some of this burden off of your husband. And as far as your husband going on a vacation without you and the son, especially when finances are as tight as you say, should be the last thing on his mind. Family comes first, PERIOD............. If your husband must sacrifice than so be it.. So should you.. Every marriage hits rough patches in their marriage and it sounds like you two have hit a very rough one and not compromising or communicating well with one another. Instead of fighting against one another, you both need to work together for the good of you family and your marriage. Remember why you both fell in love, why you married in the first place.. Plan date nights with one another. leave little love notes for each other, do unexpected surprising things for one another.. Just because you are married and have been together for 9 years does not mean that the romancing part stops.. You both must continue to romance one another to keep the fire burning in your relationship. As for your accident, that is why they are called accidents. Your husband is blowing this out of porportion, making a moutain out of a mole hill. He needs to take a deep breath and step back and look at the big picture here about what is most important to him.. Would he have been ok had you had a serious accident which could have landed you in the hospital? OF COURSE HE WOULD NOT.. What you had was a small accident and your husband is acting like it is the end of the world.. He sounds like he is under a great deal of pressure and stress due to your financial problems.. Both of you need to set down calmly and discuss things like to mature adults.. How have you both dealt with problems that arose during the 9 years you have been together? Probably rationally and maturly. Remember the past nine years, remind him if he has forgotten and he should do the same for you to refresh one anothers memory. We tend to get stuck in a rut in our marriage and get so comfortable with our spouses and stop doing the things we did to keep that romance alive.. this sounds like what has happened with you and your husband, him so busy working and planing vacations away that he has forgotten what is really important to him and that is you and your son.... If you both don't feel that you can talk this out without bringing in someone else to help you, than please seek marriage counseling but keep seperation as a last resort.. But I am certain that if you both are willing to compromise and communicate 100%, you both will be able to get back on track and keep this marriage thriving for many more years to come. Best of Luck, my prayers are with you.
Hey sweetie, its been a while but I got the message from you for this question and thought I can take a stab and see if I can help you resolve your problem. Sounds to me like you are feeling guilty that he is doing so much work to provide and that as much as you are trying (congrats on the career) you aren't able to control that your contributing factor is minimal and that not only frustrates you it leaves you feeling helpless. Therefore you are then isolating yourself a bit since you feel useless in the marriage. It seems like your husband is very proud of supporting his family, even if it does get frustrating for him at times too. I can see that he takes pride in being a husband and father by how hard he works for it. So you should be very proud of him too, rather than isolate yourself and let yourself feel like this, go out of your way and treat him for all his hard work. If you can't afford a vacation (neither can I!) don't worry about it. The big things in life aren't always the best ones, I think he would much rather have a good experiance in his home every night, than a once a year treat. So treat him, once a week or more, go out of your way on something special just to allow himself to indulge, a special dinner, a massage for him, a bubble bath or shower for 2 something sensual and romantic that shows him his effort means something. That will reward you both because you will see less stress on his end, and you made that possible so you DID contribute, to something much more important than money, his well being! Plus spending romantic time will bring you closer, the comment that things are stagnant, leaves me wondering if all the time goes to family ( not you as a couple,) well let your Mom or Sister (or someone you trust) keep your kids for a night (or just a few hours) every week and remind him that he is doing a good job! Hope everything works out good for yah hun you deserve it! And remember as hard as he works, it is for you and for your Son that is a sign of a good man. Besides, separation or divorce wouldn't help in that you would struggle even harder separately to make ends meet that means more stress. I think you just need to get back to the basics of your individual relationship with him and see where it goes.
How about some time away? It doesn't have to be a week but maybe a Friday into Saturday and Saturday into Sunday...leave the hotel Sunday about 11 A.M. You'd be surprised what a couple of nights out, a couple of nice dinners and maybe take in a play. Most good size cities have local theaters that do small productions. Between that and dinner and a few drinks I think you and he will find it money well spent. If he balks just let him know its a way to get back in touch with one another. Assure him a couple of times that you'll promise he'll get to his snowboarding thing and you'll loose your strange attraction to traffic cones. Time away from the kid, the pressures of home and a change in environment works absolute wonders, believe me. I make occasional trips to Providence and Hartford and I'm close to if not in the same leaky boat you are. Its theraptic and you know as well as I do that any answer that tells you "Dress sexy...do this and that to him, etc" is bunk. Sex isn't the great cure all. Especially the longer you've been married. We all want some culture, good food, good wine and a nice room to share with someone we love the most. Lemme know how you make out.